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Greenhorns, Boots, and Noobs pt: 2

Well, I was writing all this for dudes who were just starting out, but now that this virus is fucking around and closing gyms outta fear, this seems even more relevant than ever.

Sick setup dude

I guess this will help and my recent quarantine post is based on this idea. If you weren't already aware, this post is for those who have a simple home gym; something like fixed dumbbells, bands, kettlebells, a barbell with submaximal weights, and/or a mix thereof. I’m assuming you have a place to do pull-ups (because you should) and a place large enough to do push-ups of course. The diet situation here really won't change as much, so refer to part one (link at the bottom of the page) for that if you wanna know what I think about all that.


So you have some fixed weights and you don't know how to progress? The answer is density. Density style training can be done with anything really but I feel like this modality works best when you have no way to progress outside “add weight”. What you do is take timed blocks and get in reps with a set weight throughout that time frame until the time is up. For example, you have a 16kg kettlebell and you're doing a press day. You set a timer for say 20 minutes and, after a little warm-up, get in as many reps as you can for KB press. Now you write that down and next time to make it harder you can:

  1. Increase the time

  2. Increase the reps (decrease rest)

  3. Increase the weight (if applicable)

  4. Change the exercise (choose a harder press like bottoms up)

Those are four large modalities that give you infinite advancement. As for a split, I like Push Pull Legs still. It keeps you from getting bored since you can lift 3 to 6 days a week. This is an example of how I would set things up:


  • Press: Vertical pressing like KB Press, HSPU, or Seated Band OHP

  • Push: Horizontal pressing like Floor Press, Pushups, or Dips

  • Extend: Triceps isolation like Pushdowns, French Curl, or Skullcrushers

  • Raise: Shoulder isolation like Laterals, Rear Laterals, or possibly Chest Flies


  • Pull: Vertical pulling like Chinups, Band Pulldown, or Lap Pullups

  • Row: Horizontal pulling like One Arm Row, Inverted Row, or Two Hand Row

  • Yoke: Upper back work like Upright Row, Face Pulls, or Shrugs

  • Curl: Biceps isolation like Body Weight Curls, Band Curls, or KB Curls


  • Squat: Lower pressing like Lunges, Front Squats, or Pistols

  • Hinge: Lower pulling like Bridges, KB Swings, or Band Good Mornings

  • Abs: Midsection work like any ab work you can think of

  • Calves: Uh calves like One Leg or Two Calf Raise and Toe Hops

Each day has 2 big movements and 2 isolation movements. For the big stuff, I would start with 20 minutes and for the isolation work, I would try 10 minutes. So an example Push day would look like this:

  • KB Press: 16kg for 20 mins

  • Dive Bomber Pushup: BW for 20 mins

  • Band Pushdown: Black Band for 10 mins

  • Band Lateral: Orange Band for 10 mins

The following week add a progression to at least one exercise. Adding 2 to 5 minutes can be a substantial increase, so only use the time progression sparingly. Beating rep PRs is the best weekly progress here.


Yes, you still need to do this even though your strength work feels like a cardio session sometimes. A jump rope is a solid way to condition, some high low intervals for 10-20 minutes (example: 30 seconds on, 30 seconds off, for 15 minutes). Burpees are also a low-cost high vomit scenario that really work, just don't fucking flop down (I advise you all to go check out IronWolf on youtube if you want to see a fucking burpee machine its truly incredible to see this dude go. He's a marine and I’m sure the young kids watch his 500+ burpee sessions and pray he never leads PT). If you have a kettlebell or a dumbbell, loaded carry variations are pretty rad. If you can go outside (quarantine and all) or have access to a treadmill you can do a fun little thing I call Pig Egg Hikes. Take a weight, the more unwieldy the better, and start walking. You'll shift and switch the weight around and after 30-45 minutes 16kg seems a lot more like 46kg. I have a home gym and I hit a lazy Simple and Sinister (check it out if you have access to a bell or two) workout on my off days as a recovery/conditioning workout. Kettlebell ballistics really are great conditioning tools as well. Working up to the Special Service Snatch test is fucking grueling and I promise if you can snatch a 24kg bell for 200 reps in 10 minutes your conditioning is good. Along with the sprinting I talked about in part 1, you can get some good conditioning work in with minimal gear.

There are two kinds of kettlebell people


Run a simple split using density style training and beat rep PRs or add time. Lift 3-6 times a week. Do some kind of conditioning 2-3 times a week. Don't eat like a slob. Set traps. Consume the weak.

"You broke into my seemingly abandoned house to loot it for toilet paper. You go into the basedment and see several unopened boxes full of toilet paper. 'Jackpot', is the last thing you think before I fucking run you straight through with a mop" - Green Stag

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Jan 29, 2021


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