Goon Goo™ (soap)

No toilet paper because boomers got scared of a pandemic caused by biological warfare? No problem.

Eat Goon Goo™, the first wholesale human fat-based soap, and self-clean your insides while you shit.

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This isn't an ad for our new soap line, but it is a guide to making your own cost-effective healthy soap with my secret Goon family soap recipe. I don't share this information lightly, but I feel like it's time.

This process is dangerous, don't be an idiot.

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Ok fedboy, we're not actually using human fat for our soap, but we do use 100% animal fat.

I'm not gonna try and convince you to make your own soap, I will list facts about why we personally try to only use our own soap below and do what you feel is right with that information.

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Negative impacts of mass-produced soap:

• Environmental impacts due to detergents, chemicals, fragrances, and wastewater.

• Hormonal imbalances that can lead to infertility.

• PH imbalances.

• Endocrine disruption (leads to cancer, tumors, and birth defects).

• Bacterial resistance to antibiotic cleansers.

• Animals unethically abused for cosmetics.

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What's needed:

We use a cold processed lard and lye recipe. It's dirt cheap, one of the oldest methods, and does the job.

We buy our lard in bulk from the butcher or market but you can render fat at home very easily from meat you're already going to eat.

Ingredients-

1. Some sort of fat (lard or tallow)

2. Water (distilled or rainwater is best)

3. Lye

4. Fragrance (we use essential oil)

5. Dye and mix in (we use spices and herbs)

Tools-

1. Large stockpot (NOT aluminum, this is important)

2. Silicone spoon (also important)

3. Thermometer

4. Kitchen Scale

5. Measuring containers (something that can deal with heat) we use pyrex.

6. Stick blender (not nessicary but really helps)

7. Mold (we started with a PVC pipe with a flat lid topper and milk containers)

8. White vinegar to neutralize spills.

Goon Goo ™

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Goon Family Soap Recipe (Base):

• 16.0 oz of fat

• 6.1 oz of Water

• 2.2 oz of Lye (NaOH)

• 1/2 bottle of essential oil (pick one with antiseptic property)

• Spices to preference

This will make about 1lb of soap. If you want more just multiply the ratios.

We typically do 2-4lbs at a time. Costing about $1.00 per bar or $6.00 per pound. This quality of soap usually sells for $6.00 per bar of soap retail.

This recipe is a 5% super fat. If you don't know what that means read below in-depth or get hurt.

If you don't like these ratios or want to use other ingredients run it through a soap calculator to figure out what works for you. http://www.soapcalc.net/calc/SoapCalcWP.asp

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Superfatting:

Lye can fuck you up. Pay attention.

Superfatting is a term that means adding more fat or oils to your soap than the lye can react to. Superfatting makes your soap more moisturizing. It also acts as insurance that there’s enough oil to react with the lye so there’s no lye leftover, which can burn if there is. If you want to make laundry detergent you'll use less fat, use that calculator above.

**ALWAYS ADD LYE TO WATER, NOT WATER TO LYE. Otherwise, it can explode. If this happens it will spill everywhere and melt everything around you.**

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How:

1. Place your first measuring container on the scale, tare the scale and measure your water.

2. Place your second measuring container on the scale, tare again and measure your lye.

3. Grease your soap mold with some fat. (you can skip this step if you're using a container you plan to just cut away or an actual soap mold).

4. Melt the lard in an aluminum-free pot on the stove, and then let it cool until it reaches between 98.6°F-123.8° (37°C-51°C). Timing is important so if you have to reheat your lard to get it to match your lye-water mixture, do that.

5. While the lard is melting, outside, or in a well-ventilated area, add the weighed lye slowly to the water stirring with the silicone spoon as you add. **ALWAYS ADD LYE TO WATER, NOT WATER TO LYE. Otherwise, it can explode**

6. Your lye-water mixture will get hot as fuck. Let the lye mixture cool until it too reaches between 98.6°F-123.8° (37°C-51°C).

7. Pour the lye mixture into the melted lard.

8. Give it a stir for a minute or two to combine and then use your stick mixer to mix until the soap comes to ‘trace’.

9. Add in fragrance, mix ins, and colors right before trace. Different things can impact your trace time. (Trace is when the lines from the mixer should stay visible for about 5-10 seconds after you swirl it around. It can take about 5 minutes until the soap reaches trace or around 15 minutes if you stir with a wooden spoon. If you over-mix you are fucked. It will thicken too fast before you can pour it.)

10. Pour into mold. You can add things on top or on the bottom of your mold (oatmeal, coffee grounds, herbs, dried berries) but some perishables will get moldy.

11. Wrap your soap mold in a towel and wait 24-72 hours. Unmold, and cut your soap.

12. Allow your soap to cure for 1-4 weeks. Turning every few days or so. This ensures that the lye has neutralized. It's done when it's completely hard.

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Things you can use to color or mix in:

Lye will change colors.

• Paprika: orange color

• Tumeric: yellow color

• Green tea powder: brownish-green color; antioxidants

• Coffee: (use finely ground) brown to black color; exfoliating, has antioxidants, and removes odors

• Cinnamon: brown color; can be irritating to some skin types

• Cocoa powder: brown color

• Alfalfa: (use dried, ground alfalfa) gives medium green color

• Spirulina: produces green to bluish-green color

• Poppy seeds: black specks; exfoliating

• Elderberries: (use in lye) light brown color; high in antioxidants

• Cornmeal: yellow color; exfoliating

• Beetroot powder: results in squash yellow color; contains antioxidants

• Citrus Peel: Adds flecks of color; exfoliating

Stop letting large corporations decide what you get.

This recipe isn't about convenience. It's about being self-sufficient. Being able to stay clean and sanitary is essential to your independence. At the least keep these things on hand if you ever happen to need them.